Jacob’s Song

A reflection on Genesis Chapter 32, from a few years back

The shame clings tightly,
the falsehood of being the deceiver,
to be the one who receives,
but does not deserve,
and yet I am desperate,
I need to have you come,
I need to see that you are love.

I am hesitant to speak,
I know that I am nothing,
Before your power and glory,
I am but a worm,
and yet I am urgent,
For I cannot be without you,
I have to hear you speak,
I need to know who I am.

All the lies whirl in my head,
The identity given me by the world,
I feel the sting of painful remarks,
The bite of false actions,
The bitter, crushing force of betrayal,
Can I trust you?
Will you show me love and grace?

At last I raise my feeble voice,
I cannot afford not to speak,
There must be truth in the midst of lies,
Somewhere you must be out there.
Are you love?
Can you help me in my desperate state?
Do you have the answers that I need so badly?

I cannot lift my head,
I cannot meet your gaze,
For I am unworthy of you,
You’ve given me so much,
And yet I need so much more,
I am ashamed for you to call me yours,
Will you claim me?
Can you add value to my life?

I weep miserably,
In the misery of who I am,
I am an unworthy man,
Unable to stand on His own,
Can you bring me the strength,
to fight and overcome?
Will you hear,
the desperation of my heart?

I have done all that I can,
To lift myself from this,
Now it all lays on you,
How will you handle this?
All those I love the most,
I have sent on ahead,
Now I will wait alone,
Until you come,
And reveal yourself to me.

The darkness closes in,
I feel swallowed in its depths,
But then somewhere deep,
Deep in this haunting night,
I here a foot fall,
I can hear you approaching me,
I know that you are there,
So I take hold.

You struggle hard,
But will not let go,
Without you I am nothing,
I must hold on for all I am worth,
The fight is wearying,
But I need this to much,
In desperation seeking,
To see if you are love.
To find the answer,
That holds who I am.

All night long,
I cling to you,
My arms grow sore,
But I must not loose,
I demand your blessing,
I want to know you,
I know you know me,
I am the deceiver,
The one that no one,
ever really wanted,
The one who has usurped,
And clawed his way,
To where he stands.
I am worthless.
But who are you?
Are you love?
Is there something in you,
That can be brought into me?

Day break falls,
The light chases the shadows,
Still will not let go,
Although I am exhausted,
I demand from you,
Your blessing and your presence,
I want to be yours,
And I will fight to have you.

You resist me much more strongly,
I get all out of joint,
But I will not let go,
Until you speak into me,
I will not give in for even a second,
Until I have what you have for me,
I will fight to have you in me.

At last you speak,
And I am so exhausted,
That I can barely move,
You tell me that the deceiver,
Is no more who I am,
I have become a prince in your kingdom,
I serve you alone now.
You have given me your blessing,
And told me who I am.

The joy of at last finding,
The truth in many lies,
The truth that only you hold,
And the divine identity behind it,
The sacredness of this moment,
The change from worm to man,
Washes over me,
And I again can stand,
I know now who I am to you,
And that is all that matters,
The world is overcome.
You face is all I need seek.
For you alone,
Hold who I am,
You are love.

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